I think that for all of the flack that the wedding industry gets for being an uncompromising, money grubbing machine - the majority of vendors want to work with the couple so that they can have the most amazing day ever.  But the saying that you can catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar is true in any business but let's talk about why being nice really gets you somewhere with weddings & the wedding businesses (vendors) you work with:

1)  Most wedding vendors are sole proprietors or entrepreneurs and they are in the business because it feeds their soul.  Very few are becoming millionaires planning weddings and they are in the business of making things pretty, capturing moments or feeding a great meal to the guests at the event. 

2)  You'll get more out of somebody by being nice, calm and not accusatory toward them.  Even if you're unhappy with the service prior to your wedding day - it's in your best interest to work it out, make nice and realize that you don't have to be best friends with your vendors.  But you should treat them with respect.

3)  The people you don't want to mess around with alienating?  Your wedding planner, your photographer or videographer, your caterer are all high on that list.  Not that you should alienate anybody but those can particularly make your experience a negative one. If I have to tell you stories I've heard of what can, and has, happened...it won't be good. 

With the advent of the bridezilla and the media promoting the notion that you can choose your own price for your event, I've heard that things are getting worse for vendors who are being treated more like slaves than professional people.  This isn't Priceline.  You cannot name your own price, just like your boss doesn't decide every week what they want to pay you...based on whim...

Let me tell you of one special little story...

A DJ sent out a proposal...Mr. DJ is a nice guy - loves his job, loves people and is a very accommodating & reasonable human being.  The contract comes back with a check and a line through his price and the check & contract are signed for $250 less than his proposal amount.  No discussion.  Just a red line, a signature and a check in full. 

That's NOT.OK. 

Why?  Because it's not up to the customer to determine the price they wish to pay, it's up to the vendor to set the price they believe they are worth.  If you want to negotiate, then fine.  Ask if they would be willing to take less but be prepared when they tell you no.  And if they tell you no, maybe you should read this post before you decide if you are going to move on to somebody cheaper. 

Remember that the more difficult you are or the more difficult you are perceived to be the less likely that your vendor will want to put in 150% effort.  It isn't going to make them want to work harder if you've spent the better part of 2 months yanking their chain about the cost.  Even if you're use to getting your own way in life and in your career...weddings are all about compromise.  They are about compromising what you can afford vs. what you want if you have a budget.  They are about not inviting those 10 - 6 year olds if your fiance wants an adult event.  They are about compromising and serving chicken instead of beef because your mother thinks nobody will eat the beef. 

I see blog posts, tweets, Facebook rants all about really good wedding vendors being treated like $h!t by their clients.  Why are clients feeling that is ok? Why has it become acceptable to be rude, mean, passive-aggressive and an overall bitchy human being?  Is it because the vendor isn't giving you the service you think you deserve?  Did you pay for the level of service and clarify what was and WAS NOT included?  Did you properly convey your expectations at the beginning or make them up as you go along?  Is it that you're not getting the price you like?  Are the answers not what you think you wanted to hear? 

Reevaluation of attitude is the best way to get somebody to do what you want them to do for you.  The choice is yours on how you wish to proceed.  If you're unhappy with the service, you can walk away from your contract with the vendor - if you have one - based on cancellation fees & non-refundable retainers/deposits.  But making your experience and theirs a miserable one isn't going to get anybody anywhere but more miserable. 

The difference in what you*think* somebody should do for you - your sense of entitlement - is what is standing between you and an amazing planning process, lovely wedding day and stress free experience. 

The choice is ultimately yours on how you want to be perceived and the experience you want to have for yourself.

Comments

[ramyad london wedding photographer]

I had to comment on this post, thanks for putting it together. I've had similar done to me and to be honest with you, I lost the passion and the heart to perform and just went through the motions. In fact, I was depressed by the end of the day and wasn't actually looking forward to see the couple again, ever. It should never be like that I am wary these days, I check them out a lot more than they are seeing if I am good for them. And yes, I will refuse a booking purely on the basis of personality.

[bridal girl]

This is such a great post. There are so many hype to what the brides and grooms should expect from their vendors when they also forget that they are people too. Hope brides and grooms can read this!

[Aminna]

I went to a wedding last weekend as a guest. Our whole table was talking since the vendors were all put in the deep corner of the room at a table. While we ate 4 courses they sat and watched and worked as their dinner got cold. We all felt bad that a bride and groom would be so cruel to not feed them the same meal and to not let them have a real break and eat. The photographer had to keep getting up and racing across the room for pictures. As a past bride it made me sad to think people who are working to make your day terrific would be treated like second class people.It makes me think allot less of the couple for this.Very sad

[Sprout]

I'd love to see some comments from brides and grooms, either pro or con, on this post!

It seems like the intent was to educate the brides and grooms, but the comments so far appear to be from wedding and event pros.

[Amelia]

Perhaps because EVERY bridal magazine tells them to do it? that the wedding industry is trying to take them for some kind iof ride, that we're ALL evil- we couldn't possibly actually want to do a wedding out of the love it, we're just trying to take you for a ride. Turn the page "top tips to get your wedding services for free!"

I hate it but I understand it because the moment that ring goes on, the friends sya don't get screwed, the magazines ay negotiate because they'll screw you, even some of the blogs terrify you with the dreaded wedding industry and how it WILL SCREW YOU

For some reason, the majority of us who want to do it for the love of it and have no intention of ripping everyone off, get tarred with the same stick.

[Sarah P]

As a wedding photographer, this post hit right on the nail for me from a recent wedding. The client was a real handful. Even the day before her wedding calling me 4 times to change her photo locations and then asking for things like more photo hours for free.She thought she was entitled to demand things and treat her vendors poorly. Even at the wedding, no tip for any of the vendors who stayed longer, worked hard all day and were flexible with this couple's demands.I felt bad for their wedding planner since she really bent over backwards for these two.The couple treated all there vendors like slaves and guests noticed.Shameful to have no manners.

[Rosemary]

Both this and the post on Let me Clarify are spot on. When these types of clients come along it's so tough to watch as your vendors (who once were brimming with exceptional work and ideas) are systematically deflated to the point of not really caring or giving the client their best. If clients could just realize that their level of trust, respect and kindness towards their vendor team directly corresponds to the level of enthusiasm and effort they will put into your job. How can someone do their best when they're jumping through hoops, being nickel and dimed, or treated like the house boy?

[Brit @ Landlocked Bride]

Fantastic - you hit the nail on the head. Immediately sharing this one.

[Karla Casillas]

Sasha, I just had this same incident happen to me this month!! and let me tell you the mother got the price she wanted and the bride did not have the centerpiece she envisioned.

[Nitoyegun]

Amen! so true ... especially #3. Thanks for being brutally honest :)

[Denise Hernandez]

Sasha!! I cannot tell you how much this article needed to be written!! Thank You for saying the things I've been thinking all week!!

[Nicole Lisanne]

I definitely agree, this couldn't have been put better Sasha, thank you for being brave enough to speak out for what's right when a lot of people are afraid of not being pc enough. I for one refuse to work with Bride/Groom zillas, I chose this profession because I love it! I love helping others, and making their dreams come true! As soon as I start to hate it, why do it? Sometimes I do feel like a slave to my clients, and that hurts! I've been undervaluing myself for years now, and only this year have I caught on. If they want me, they need to pay for me, because I'm really good at what I do and I'm worth it! And I need to pay the bills=) And taxes... Hahah. Love ya, Nicole

[Violaine Diogene]

Sasha, thank you so much for writing this wonderful post. To many times we, as vendors often bend over backwards and compromise our brand standards to make our clients happy. To often a bride will call me demanding my service for a much lower price because such and such planning firms are quoting them a lower price.
While attending a Sean Low seminar, I quickly understood that not every bride is for your brand. You can’t walk into a Valentino store and demand the $2200 bag for $1000! What makes you think you can do it to me? If vendors were a bit more firm on their brand standards and refuse to cave on certain things, our clients would not think they can just scratch the prices of our contracts and replace with their own.

[Brandi Hamerstone]

And all the while I thought I was speaking the truth to the Brides, this is word for word the perfect post to every wedding vendor in the business. Every day, #1 is the reason I do what I do, I LOVE it. Making me miserable doing it, is not worth it to me. At the end of the day I'm not even sure I make money...

[Lisa Zweifel, Eventz Planning]

I think this is amazing! I was just feeling the same way the other day. Why are some of these clients so rude, where are their manners. My mother would have been appalled if I behaved the way some of these clients behave. Great Job!

[Kerrie Underhill]

Amen!

[evelyn]

awesome post, especially since one of my current clients is trying to pull something similar. *le sigh* thanks for this!

[Trish E]

I thought this article was what everyone needed to hear. Thanks

[Lacy Branch]

AMEN Sister!! It was like what I was thinking Thank you

[Kristin Kaplan - Simply Stunning]

Wow, this is such a truthful and much needed post! Sasha- thank you for saying what needs to be said, and I agree no one could have said it better.

[Scott Andrew]

Sasha, I just wish this would be published in every wedding magazine, bridal blog and shouted from rooftops in earshot of wedding venues. GREAT information here. Thank you for sharing.

[Larissa Banting]

and here's a secret - those clients asking for discounts upfront are red flags to us vendors, as it tells us that you're all about price, not value (and yes, there is a difference).

[Heidi @ Zenadia]

Another wonderful article. Thanks Sasha!!

[Kate/MagnoliaRouge]

Brilliant, I was just having a discussion with a fellow stationer about this yesterday. So very well said!

[Jessica Moore, STC]

Well said! Preach on...